Sailing on the Tide Board a ship and sail to sea Mary will you marry me And when I reach the shore I’ll never go to sea no more I will never go to sea no more And when I come home to you I promise to marry you Buy a house for my love and me I promise ne’er to go to sea I promise ne-er to go to sea Chorus And I'm sailing on the tide To come home to my love Yes I am sailing on the tide To come back home once more To come back home once more Cape Horn is a dreadful place Wipes the smile clean from your face We carry gold and we carry grain To my love and back again To my love and back again Chorus And I'm sailing on the tide To come home to my love Yes I am sailing on the tide To come back home once more To come back home once more Repeat verse 1

Nancy By Bill Bates In deep dark mid-winter with snow falling fast, I met up with Nancy a girl from my past I asked, "Are you well" but, Nancy said "No" So I offered her shelter from the snow Poor little Nancy 'oh. Poor little Nancy 'oh We entered my flat and turned up the heat I slipped the shoes from her feet We talked for a while and we reminisced And a little while later I gave Nancy a kiss Poor little Nancy 'oh. Poor little Nancy 'oh I remember a time when our love was new Dear Nancy so kind, our love was true But she found another, and my world came to an end Now in deep dark mid-winter I just pretend Poor little Nancy 'oh. Poor little Nancy 'oh In deep dark mid-winter. With snow falling fast I met up with Nancy. A girl from my past

Warwickshire Boys By Bill Bates From Warwickshire's Grammar schools. Came a thousand brave young men All volunteers for the war that turned children into men They took the Kings shilling as they donned their uniform And marched out onto foreign fields. From peace into a storm I never knew, I never knew, I never knew you at all The pride of all the working class stood before the guns A thousand men all in a line a thousand mothers sons They crossed the fields through smoke & gas They watched their class mates fall Just thirty three survived the day from Warwickshire all I never knew, I never knew, I never knew you at all Middle 8 And as they crossed their lines. They prayed to God a thousand times They all fell in their lines. All in a line, In a line, in a line, All in a line From Warwickshire's Grammar schools came a thousand brave young men All volunteers for the war that turned children into men They took the Kings shilling as they donned his uniform And marched out onto foreign fields from peace into a storm

Miner By Bill Bates You'll never get me down the pit way down underground Where sunshine never shows her face and winds can not be found You'll never see me with a pick in that godforsaken hole You'll never get me down the mine digging up he coal Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine You'll never see me filling up the wagons on the line Where pony's pull their loaded trucks in the godforsaken mine You'll not have me cough up my lungs and then spit out the black I've been down there once before and I'm never doing back Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine I don't want to be a pit boy in the coal industry In the mill or railway well that’s the work for me Sweating at the seam and blackening my soul You'll never get me down the mine digging up the coal Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine God bless the working man who's working underground God bless the miner who's fears cannot be found God bless the unemployed man who's rotting on the dole You'll never get me down the mine digging up the coal Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine Don't make me go down the mine dad Don't make me go down the mine

Sleaze By Bill Bates We sit in the House that sits on the Thames, I keep my seat, I looked after my friends Give me your vote when I’m town. Give me cash to put your questions down Sleaze. Sleaze I live in a house at your expense. Its all in the rules well that’s my defence I sign papers that makes law, If the money's enough I don’t care what its for Sleaze, I’m talking sleaze, I’m talkin’ sleeeeze, Put me up in a big hotel Holidays girl and as well Bring me your cash and you can lobby, Who’s got some questions for this M.P.. I’m talkin’ sleaze, give me your money I’m talkin’ sleaze I've got answers, I’m talkin’ sleaze, sleaze Middle 8 if I get caught will you cry for me? Will you lie for me?… Back in house I'm disgrace, Caught in act – with smile face Investigation - I face the sack, A holiday n then I'll be back Sleaze, give me your money, I'm walking sleaze, I’ve got the answers I’m talking Sleaze, sleaze And if I get caught would you fight for me? Will you die for me? Sleaze, give me your money, I'm talking sleaze, I’ve got the answers I’m talking Sleaze

I'm So Tiered By Bill Bates I’m so tiered I cant wait For my head to hit the pillow Of my bed my girlfriend said I went out last night and I met you You said you can kiss me if you wanted to I’m so tiered I cant wait For my head to hit the pillow Of my bed my girlfriend said You held my hand & you squeezed it tight You asked me if I would stay the night I’m so tiered I cant wait For my head to hit the pillow Of my bed my girlfriend said Middle 8 And I’ve never met a girl like you before I closed my eyes as you closed the door I’m so tiered I cant wait For my head to hit the pillow Of my bed my girlfriend said

Turning by Bill Bates If my dad knew I was a consultant He would turn ten times in his grave Earning money out of another man’s wages He’s equate it to keeping a slave For my dad, he had a conscience A social awareness had he A union man of the people And a pillar o’ society Turning, Turning, Turning. Turning If my dad knew I was on commission He’d surely wake from the dead Earning money from another man’s grafting He’d say I’d lost my head For to rob a man of his wages Would be an act so depraved If me dad knew I was a consultant He would turn ten times in his grave In his grave Turning, Turning, Turning. Turning Would you steal bread from his table? And food from the mouth of his kid Would you take the cash from his pocket? ‘ because I recon that’s what you did Would you rob him, and cheat and deceive him? Is that how you should behave? For to rob a man of his wages He would turn ten times in his grave In his grave Turning, Turning, Turning. Turning

Going Down By Bill Bates I’m sinking under water You know I’m in too deep No chance for relaxation I have no time to sleep The sharks are out to get me My chances are so slim I’m sinking under water You know that I cant swim No hands are there to help me To come to my rescue I cant seem to find the answer Or where I’m running to The water is still rising And I’m going down again I’m sinking under water And you know that I cant swim I’m going down Going down I’m going down again I’m going down Going down I’m going down again I can hear him coming As he stands outside my door And I can hear the letters Falling to the floor The pressure is still rising And I’m doing down again I'm sinking underwater You know that I cant swim I’m going down Going down I’m going down again I’m going down Going down I’m going down again

When England Calls By Bill Bates When men in scarlet come to town. To beat their drums upon the crowd To tell of heroes of renown. To see the marching band And as the sergeant waves his fist. We find it harder to resist To heed his calling to enlist . To fight in a foreign land When England calls, In her hour of need. When soldiers fall, And young men bleed When brave men die, Will you recall, Will you be there, When England calls And as they raise their flags up high, For king and country come to die Will you ask the question why? As we're marching off to war And as you run and join the crowd, As the young men feel so proud And their young wives cry so loud. Like a thousand times before When England calls, In her hour of need. When soldiers fall, And young men bleed When brave men die, Will you recall, Will you be there, When England calls When politicians come to town To throw their lies upon the crowd And the truth cannot be found, To lay your life upon the ground Will you be there? Will you be there? Will you be there? When England calls

The Conspiracy song By Bill Bates Did they land on the moon on the 20th June? Or did they film it in the middle of nowhere? And Neil Armstrong did he know along, that NASA wasn’t planning to go there? Were the landing a fake? Did they make mistake? Realising that it wouldn’t be easy Did the module crash? Did they run out of cash? Or did they find out the moon was all cheesy? ITS A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S JUST MY THEORY. IT’S ALL A CONSPIRACY Did a U.F.O. crash in new Mexico, In Roswell all those years ago? Is there a dead alien that they’re keeping for fun? Did he stop here just to say “hello”? On a military base - crashing from outer space Did they pull the body from destruction? Had he planned to invade, on a lone crusade, Or was he trying to do an abduction? ITS A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S JUST MY THEORY. IT’S ALL A CONSPIRACY I don’t know why they killed Lady Di, in a tunnel over in France Out on the road E with her boyfriend Dodi They never stood a chance In the under pass with their foot on the gas With the paparazzi following crazy Was it MI5 that didn’t want her alive? Did they find she was having his baby? ITS A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S JUST MY THEORY. IT’S ALL A CONSPIRACY Did the CIA, kill JFK? Was 9/11 planned all along? Did the twin-towers collapse? Or pulled down perhaps? Did a plane hit the Pentagon? Are we being controlled and turned into Trolls? Are the CIA friends with Bin Larden? Did Elvis survive? Is Michael Jackson alive. Are there fairies at the bottom of my garden? ITS A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S JUST MY THEORY. IT’S ALL A CONSPIRACY

Man Flu Song By Bill bates It was one morning – without warning When I woke up – feeling hot I was achy, a little shaky, and my head was full snot I was drowsy, feeling lousy and I don’t no what to do I’m freezing, I’m sneezing, 101 degreesing Oh I think I’ve got man flu Oh, no! oh, no! (atchoo!!!) Now I'm aching from my head to toe How I've caught it - I don’t know, Its no wonder that I feel so low Oh please! oh please! (atchoo!!!), Can’t you see that I'm on my knees Now I've got this very strange disease. I’m a goner – yes I know My nose runny Its not funny In fact it’s quite a blow…. I wont pretensa Its influenza I’m feeling awful don’t you know I’m getting grimmer from limb to limb-er Oh should I say Adieu? I’m sweating I'm fretting You ought to get the vet in Yes , I think that its man flu Oh, no! oh, no! (atchoo!!!) Now I'm aching from my head to toe How I've caught it - I don’t know, Its no wonder that I feel so low Oh please! oh please! (atchoo!!!), Can’t you see that I'm on my knees Now I've got this very strange disease. I’m a goner – yes I know I’m feeling prickly , you know I’m sickly Oh I can’t get it off my chest My systems crashing, the lights are flashing I’ll just lay here – I need my rest I'm in a spiral, I think its viral Oh-what-I say-is - true I’m sinking, I’m shrinking, I know I've started stinking Because I think I’ve got Man Flu Oh, no! oh, no! (atchoo!!!) Now I'm aching from my head to toe How I've caught it - I don’t know, Its no wonder that I feel so low Oh please! oh please! (atchoo!!!), Can’t you see that I'm on my knees Now I've got this very strange disease. I’m a goner – yes I know Make me a potion, rub on some lotion Fetch the doctor – make it quick I need curing – re-assuring I’ve got a fever –I’m filling sick Use a hanky – no hanky-panky Oh, I've got an aching head If your chilly and your ill (ee) You’d better pop a pill (ee) and spend the day in bed Oh, no! oh, no! (atchoo!!!) Now I'm aching from my head to toe How I've caught it - I don’t know, Its no wonder that I feel so low Oh please! oh please! (atchoo!!!), Can’t you see that I'm on my knees Now I've got this very strange disease. I’m a goner – yes I know

Martha Meeting a bloke had become a joke for Martha an old friend of mine. She didn’t know how to catch a man now at the tender age of 59 Then someone said, they got a man into bed, without wasting too much of their time The agency, that really helped me was "Dating for us on Line" She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." Well she made the call and in no time at all She’d got her on-line profile made She couldn't tell the truth about her lack of youth, her height and what she weighed So just for fun she said she was 41 and only 10 stone 2 still in her prime she said five foot ten there she went and lied again To "Dating for us on Line" She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." Two weeks came and went she tried not to resent Why no one had emailed her to say "hello" Then in her inbox come a man who was 51 He sounded quiet alright, don't you know Six foot four in height, she wouldn't put up a fight He liked eating out and good wine She pressed reply she'd give him a try with "Dating for us on Line" She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." The agency knew how to choose a rendezvous all romantic, just beside the lake and Martha wasn’t shy and she hadn’t meant to lie but she said there must be some mistake her date was there as well with a rose in his lapel but he was only 4 foot nine! she was in disarray she knew what she would say To "Dating for us on Line" She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." Now she had to admit that she had also lied a bit And both of them were equally to blame and standing in his suit she thought that he looked cute And going home would be such a shame They went down the pub sat down and had some grub And Martha smiled as she sipped her wine well she thanked the Lord for she knew that she had scored – With "Dating for us on Line" She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........." She said "Oh oh.........." AND HE SAID "Oh oh.........."

My Wife's Cookin' By Bill Bates My wife is no good at cooking, Our breakfast is always black And you’d be amazed to see my bacon ablaze She’d even set fire to a snack And when I sit at at the kitchen table And elevens is all we desire I give a cough, the smoke alarm goes off And she sets my grub on fire My wife, my wife, is cooking, but she’s cooking for me Lunch is too much to ask for, she insists on everything “well done” She don’t know what it means to eat French cuisine She burns salad just for fun And dinner is always eventful, she’d tell you she’s worked hard and toiled The potatoes are chard, the pasta is scared And my eggs are always hard boiled My wife, my wife, is cooking, but she’s cooking for me Supper could be risotto or macaroni would be ever so nice But they all look a site when the saucepans alight and the wok is stuck to the rice She’d ruin roast lamb or pork chop, she’d spoil pastry or pie When you see what’s to follow, it gets hard to swallow Jamie Oliver would just lay down and cry My wife, my wife, is cooking, but she’s cooking for me Her lasagna tastes like rubber, and so does her black chocolate cake Her fried aborigines, taste like an old pair of jeans What I’d give for chips and rare steak She once ruined a pot noodle, She’s messed up bake beans and mash Her grill makes me cringe as her sausages singe She turn a frankfurter to ash My wife, my wife, is cooking, but she’s cooking for me God knows what she’d do to a curry, Her goulash would be an ordeal She’s incinerate, everything on your plate there’s a fire engine outside my house every meal But I don’t want you to think I’m winging, I’d put up with her any day Although her cooking is glum, she’s far better than her mum

Never Cried Out By Bill Bates You were bigger than me. As we met up in the yard watched by my school friends, You had summoned me, To a fight to the finish, or at least until the school break ends And as I lay there bleeding, I thought that I had won But I never cried out, and I never complained, I wish we could meet again You were stronger than me, As you held my arm so tight behind my back You had threatened me And my head was pounding and I thought I’d have a heart attack And as I lay there bleeding, I hoped that I had won But I never cried out, and I never complained, I wish we could meet again Middle 8 But now I’m older, it don’t bother me Oh, how I tried, the tears that I cried, those sleepless nights, But it don’t bother me No, it don’t bother me I drove my car, and as you crossed the road you were lit up by headlights I never touched the breaks And I heard you screaming as I drove off in the pale moon light And as you lay there bleeding I knew that I had won But I never cried out, and I never complained, I wish we could meet again You were bigger than me

Caravan Song (Live) By Bill Bates A three mile drive down a one way track I steer my car with a caravan on the back I find the pitch and then the sky goes black And the wind is howling And the rain came down A slope so steep that the goats avoid I must be getting paranoid And I stop myself from getting annoyed And the wind is howling And the rain came down Two weeks away To ease the stress But the look of things I wont have much success I cant even send an SOS And the wind is howling And the rain came down Take out the awning that I brought that day and I watch the instructions fly away A fine way to start my holiday And the wind is howling And the rain came down Electric’s soon cut off at the mains Scared out of my wits by low flying planes I knew we should have had 2 weeks in Spain And the wind is howling And the rain came down Its really hell In this abode 666 must be my post-code Then the porta-potty explode And the wind is howling And the rain came down The road looks like a moat The caravan has started to float The bloody thing it thinks it’s a boat And the wind is howling And the rain came down For thousands miles I've towed my van from Portishead to Pakistan and for just once I’d like get tan And the wind is howling And the rain came down We’ve camped next-door nuclear site The farmer insisted that the beach was alright A 3 headed sheep kept us awake all night And the wind is howling And the rain came down There's army manoeuvres in the field door more water inside than there is outdoors I can’t take it anymore oh the wind is howling gusting, thrusting, blowing, snowing breezing freezing, lightning flashing thunder crashing And the wind is howling And the rain came down

Recycling Song By Bill Bates I’m an environmental person More friendly than Al Gore I’ve recycled everything I've had and then recycled more I put my bottles in the bottle bank Rrecycle my magazines Then turn them it into toilet rolls So even my bottoms green But I won't recycle you No matter what you say No matter what you do I won't recycle you I’ve a Solar powered TV that don’t work when the weathers dull My car runs on fertilizer and I keep the tank quite full I’ve a Wind farm in my garden And my compost is no trouble And my clothes and shoes and hats are all biodregrada-bubble But I won't recycle you No matter what you say No matter what you do I won't recycle you I’ve reduced my carbon footprint My emissions are off-set My light bulbs save me energy but I wont fly in a jet I’ve seen the seen ice caps melting and the hurricanes a-storming But this summer I’ll be buggered if I've seen any global warmin’ But I won't recycle you No matter what you say No matter what you do I won't recycle .... Middle 8 All polar bears and dolphins they’ll soon disappear and soon there will be no more fishin’ And we’ll start to moan when there ain't no more ozone if we don’t reduce our co2 emisshin You might think song is rubbish But it shouldn’t go to waste For that would be ironic When I’m trying to save human race You can take as the words and use them all again For that would be re-cycling and the earth would stay your friend But I won't recycle you No matter what you say No matter what you do I won't recycle you

Car Boot Song by Bill Bates Yesterday my children had lots of toys to play now those toys have all gone away car I car booted them yesterday Suddenly, I’ve got loads money I got 3 pounds daughters bunny she didn’t funny Why it had to go well you know The bills we could’nt pay She said, don't sell dad you'll make sad yesterday My wife’s best dress, I always thought looked mess Someone offered me £5 and I said yes Where now is anyone’s guess! (back) I sold a 3 poster bed – a machine for making bread A Barbie Doll without head – My pet hamster who was dead We sold all our trash turned it into cash we were doin’ OK We made – loads of loot at our car boot - Yesterday Oh help me mate - I sold my wife's thing that did vibrate The women who brought it was in such state She rushed home couldn’t wait I sold loads of JUNK/ Our family game of Kerplunk Some clothes I wore when I was a punk Some old socks that really stunk Why it ALL - had to go, well you know What can you say? We - had - to clear our debt I WAS SO UPSET!!!! yesterday What have done? I’ve gone and sold my only son But recon I’ve been done I could have got £2 and I only got one Why he had to go, well know, wouldn't play. He said don't sell me dad wasn't bad - yesterday Yesterday - I did car boot supplement pay sold wife kids walked away I car booted them yesterday.

Mars Bar Party By Bill Bates I was feeling fine when a friend of mine invited me out for the night He said “Come with me down to the pub and I’ll see that you get on alright" After a drink and a bit of a think we were feeling hearty It was only then explained going Mars Bar Party The host fat mind but I didn’t mind that And she invited me to sit on a chair All guests were scantily dressed but nobody seemed to care The video was rude and there wasn’t any food The music was rather Motzarty I wondered what it would be like Later on I was feeling good when I heard a wrapper tearing I looked around and saw a lass and saw what she was wearing she took out a Mars and bless my stars what she did was rather tarty I was amazed how people behaved at my very first Mars Bar Party All guests they got undressed and all revealed their sweets Someone unwrapped a Yorky Bar and another packet of Treats I sat on a mat with a big Kit Kat and a women who was rather Arty She gave off smell like Caramel at my very first Mars Bar Party There was Munchy, Crunchy, Lion Bar all of Cadburys on disply A girl on own with Toblerone And a bloke with a Milky Way I was feeling sick with a big Picnic and a lass wearing high lass Karate I wondered what heck going on at my very first Mars Bar Party One greedy he was no bloke joke when he revealed a Twix A guy with a boost was being seduced by a lass from Pick & Mix n Mix A lass with red knickers, played with a Snickers but me I was feeling me Smarty I had Cadburys Cream Egg all over my leg At mr very first Mars Bar Party A High Court Judge playedi with a fudge he had a willie to make me weep And Farmer Giles had travelled for miles He was bonkin’ a chocolate sheep A women with a list ate a Toffee Crisp Oh, she almost broke my hearty I was having good time At my very first Mars Bar Party I was up all night with a Turkish Delight But she left me after 8 She was posher Ferr Rocher I found it hard to concentrate I had go with a Minty Aero but mint it makes me farty Which didn't go didn’t go down all that well At my very first Mars Bar Party There man from bank was having a xxxx A women did strip with a Whirl Nut Whip I think her name was Shirley And my mate Mick was feeling sick Because his is a Curley Wirly I had to stare – at chocolate “E” Claire – she been with my mate Marty He must have put on half a stone At my very first mars Bar Party There was a heck crowd and the music was loud It was getting late into the night Someone said they took a Topic to bed Because they got 2 nuts in every bite I’d enough I was feeling rough So I had to departyy Now I'm quiet and I'm on a diet After my first Mars Bar Party

Gypsy Rose Lee By Bill Bates I met girl called Rosey Lee in a Gypsy in caravan I asked her tell my fortune would happy man? She said "Cross my palm with silver And I promise to impress If you haven’t got any silver I take American Express" Do you want to know the future Do you see the things I see If you want to know the future Ask Gypsy Rose Lee She got out her crystal ball she knew the things I do She knew my allergy to head & shoulders shampoo she looked into her crystal ball I asked “What can you see”? “I can see a Mars Bar” said Gipsy Rose a - Lee Do you want to know the future Do you see the things I see If you want to know the future Ask Gypsy Rose Lee Would I have long life? Or would I go insane After singing here will I ever get booked again? she toolmy hand and looked at me and then my palm was red You will down very well at the XXXXXX folk festival was what the Gipsy said Next she tried her healing hands she said she'd heal my pain It didn't hurt where it touched But I’m not one to complain She seemed disappointed But I was no good at all She said "Bill I am a Medium but yr definitely a small” Do you want to know the future Do you see the things I see If you want to know the future Ask Gypsy Rose Lee She could see the future, This Gipsy Rose a - Lee So I asked the numbers on the Euro lottery She looked me with staring eyes And I waited for her plan She said if I could do that Would I be living in a caravan? Do you want to know the future Do you see the things I see If you want to know the future Ask Gypsy Rose Lee